Saturday, 23 December 2017
Every time I think it's my time to be happy, I get that feeling that I don't deserve it, and every time without fail I ruin it. Not always on purpose but sometimes I just cannot help it.
I've tried so hard to be selfish and put myself first but honestly I've never been good at that. I care about others to much... and when I try I just feel emptiness and darkness come over me. I guess the depression really has got hold of me now.
This time of year, every year I used to look forward to it. Christmas with my family. But this year my family is a fraction of the size and nothing feels happy or festive.
I have such great friends and a close family but I guess at the end of it sometimes its not enough.
Missing someone and no being able to talk to the one person who means the most to you is the hardest thing possible. I hope that no one ever has to go what I have gone through.
I guess what I'm trying to say is; Just because I have a smile on my face it doesn't mean I'm smiling on the inside.
I cannot wait to turn my back on 2017 and start a fresh in 2018. Hopefully happiness is waiting for me. Just ... Maybe...
Sunday, 24 September 2017
I'm not angry. I'm not disappointed. I'm not sad. I'm broken.
When you died apart of me went too.
All those missed opportunities. Those silly little arguments that meant nothing. Those times that I said no to hanging our with you. All gone.
Knowing that in this life time I won't see you again is heart breaking. Everything reminds me of you. I can't go in your room. It still smells of you. Everytime I hear the squeak of your door I hope just a little.
I try so hard Ash to stay positive but sometimes it's just so hard. I can hear you say get a fucking grip. But sometimes it's just to hard.
I took you for granted. We all do it. Everyday. We don't mean to. You don't realise how much you depend on someone, how much you need someone until they are gone.
4 months have past and it's really not got easier. That night is still fresh in my mind. I'm trying Ash, even got myself a counsellor. But you're still not here.
I'm sorry I haven't been to visit you yet. At your grave. But that's not how I want to remember you. Soon I will, I will bring the dogs. They miss you a lot.
Just remember Ash. I love you. Always and forever. Rest easy little brother. Until we meet again.
Monday, 28 August 2017
- Had a boyfriend
- Ended the relationship
- Failed driving test
- Got several tattoos
- Applied for university
- Joined slimming world
- Withdrew application
- Quit slimming world
- Applied for a teaching agency
- Ashley passed away
- 2 months off of work
- Rejoined slimming world
- I quit my job
- 2 interviews
- Applied for camp America 2018
- Reapplied for university for September 2018
- Booked driving test
Thursday, 29 June 2017
It wasn't until I was at university that I discovered the true extent of what living with PCOS meant. Okay, I didn't have periods but I did have the side effects of them, all minus the bleeding. I have bad back ache, severe cramps that would have me crying, I felt ill and had awful mood swings. PCOS also meant my chance of ever becoming pregnant was rather low, I have a 10% chance of conceiving children naturally. I have heard all the stories before of people with PCOS having children naturally, but I have other complications which means the likelihood is a lot lower. Now I was told when I was 14 these statistics and I have had 8 nearly 9 years to process this information. And although sometimes it gets be down, I know there are plenty of children out there that need adopting so when the time is right I think that is the route I will take.
Away, what is PCOS? Other than standing for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, it is not actually cysts on the ovaries. Confusing I know! I used the NHS website to help me explain what PCOS, there definition is :
Meaning that the sacs in which the egg normally lives (as it were) is undeveloped and does not contain an egg, meaning an egg is not released and a period does not occur. Although the cause of PCOS is un known it is believed to run in families. It is related to a hormone in-balance within the body.
- irregular periods or none at all
- difficulty getting pregnant
- excess hair
- thinning hair
- weight gain or trouble losing weight
Tuesday, 27 June 2017
Number 10 and 11 that;s right this bitch has the Grinch who stole Christmas on her leg. Because I have a love hate relationship with Christmas like he does haha. As some of you maybe aware that my Gran passed away on Christmas day in 2004 when I was 10, so really Christmas has never really been the same again for myself and my family, however I still love the spirit of Christmas so well the Grinch hates it all and comes to love it in the end (sorry spoiler). also for the record the Grinch is awesome. So number 11 is my spirit animal, the sloth. I have always loved sloths always, and I just had to get one, and I couldn't resist getting it in the same style as my stag, so the half geometric and realistic style and I love it.
Number 12 is a little semi-colon I have on my right wrist to symbolise that my story is not over, and that whatever life throws at me I will and can continue.
Friday, 23 June 2017
Monday, 3 April 2017
I popped into Body Shop, I do not tend to buy a lot from Body Shop but this Peach body mist is out of this world, it smells so nice and ideal for Spring time, I have also sprayed this on my pillows because it is so nice. It was on offer for £4, so cheap and a lovely scent. I went into Boots, of course, I have wanted to try the Rimmel Fix and Go 2 in 1 primer and setting spray for a will, I often find my make up wears off a lot around the nose area the most, maybe because I wear glasses and I am forever pushing them up but I thought I'd give this ago. I will let you know how I get on, that was £6.99. I had to repurchase this little angel again, the ARGAN Secret Miracle 10 spray is everything! My hair was in such a bad place before I started using this. I know use it everyday when styling my hair, not only does it do amazing things to my hair it smells amazing too. My hair has never been in a better condition. This is my third bottle in about 8 months, I got my latest bottle from Amazon for £15.91 and it is so worth it. £16 every three months really isn't that bad.
Finally onto film and books, I had to buy the new Harry Potter and Fantastic Beast and where to find them DVD, I have yet to watch it but aim to watch it with the family tonight. A review will be coming. I also purchased the 4th and 5th series of Grimm as I have nearly finished the first 3 series on Netflix. At only £16 for both series I could not resist. Thanks Amazon Prime haha. A shopping trip with my best friend would not be complete without a stop in Waterstones, we each brought a book and together did the buy 1 get 1 half price deal. We both went for Young Adult books, I chose The Memory Book by Lara Avery, because it reminds me of dementia which is strange I know, but it follows a girl with an illness who begins to forget everything, but she wants to remember... hence the memory book. I hope to start this tonight.
I did buy some new NYX lispticks but I am going to do an individual blogpost about them. I hope you enjoyed this.